Just Thinking..A Dangerous Pastime, I Know...

If anyone is offend by this, I apologize, but my attitudes towards religion have changed severely the past several years. I tend to be agnostic these days. I used to be fervently Catholic, but trying to live up to the moral demands were making me into a nervous wreck, and eventually the "Do as we say, not as we do" attitude of the papacy soured me for good. I realized I was going thru the motions just to please my father, and after one incident, I sadly told him I was no longer going to church. He took it okay at the time, but I knew he was disappointed. Our family had a deep involvement in the parish during earlier generations, I even became a Sunday School clerk for awhile, (Though never an altar boy, which I know he regretted) My brothers and I even attended Catholic school-which turned out to be the pure hell years of my life, as I was bullied constantly, and the bullies where ALTAR BOYS, which made things in their favor! One time I complained to the nuns- real big help they were- PUNISHED me by making me write a hundred times "I must be more forgiving" And I was the one getting my brains beaten out! Thankfully, tuition costs soon forced my folks to take out out of catholic hell and into the REAL world. Eight grade in public school had its bumps, but still a distinct improvement over what I had before! Still, I tried to keep some form of the faith, conformation, parish functions, etc. But i was getting older, and starting to form my own thoughts and ideas..and finding out that the bible and real life don't exactly mix..When i first started Job-hunting, i actually believed you weren't supposed to work on a SUNDAY!! DUH!! I sure got THAT smacked out of me fast! (I mean, even my FATHER had a weekend job playing in a band!) And as I progressed, I found myself wondering why none of the wacked-out happenings the bible describes don't seem to happen in real life! (Turning into salt?) I was reading the BALITIMORE CATHECISM daily, the bible, as well as writings of nun's visions which little little more than vivid guilt trips towards christ's suffering.It got to the point every step I took, I was worried if i was sinning! THIS is a sin, THAT is a sin, I was at confession every blasted week! I COULDN'T FUNCTION ANYMORE!!

It's that point I decided that the god I knew couldn't be the God for me. I'm not trying to be a bad person, but I can't be perfect, either. To me, God is not the stern, demanding control freak I was taught. At best, God is the unexplained and undiscovered power behind life and the universe. If I am to be judged after I pass, I'll leave that solely up to him/it. I would hope that this power has some understanding as well as a sense of humor- after all, it spawned humanity! In the meantime, I'm trying to function in real life as best I can.